My liver just broke up with me...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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