420 ftw
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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