see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
