when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
