I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
