I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
