i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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