I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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