He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
