they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
