I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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