somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
