She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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