I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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