Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Alive.
So much puke
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
