I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
