I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
