My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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