It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
