Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
