well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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