Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
