I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
