Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
