i think i have two assholes
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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