it wasn't lemon gatorade
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
