If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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