I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
