And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
40s are totally the cure
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
