he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
