genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
