He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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