i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
