I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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