also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
