we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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