The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
