I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
