today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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