Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
