I smell stomach acid.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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