just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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