she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
