Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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