Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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