i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
