STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
