Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
