2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
