Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
