Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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