well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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