Where did you get a picture of my penis
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
