We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You're like the curious george of whores
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
