home. puking in laundry basket.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
