if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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